I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
