What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
either way he was missing a nipple.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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