Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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