I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
