i was rollin on her like bob the builder
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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