I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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