Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
