Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
