it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
