So drunk its hurt
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
