I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
