when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
