census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
