I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
