Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
