day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
