what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
