Capitaan dildo arrescate!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
