Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
