I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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