life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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