i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
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