I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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