I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
