If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
