I can text with my tongue
he shaved USA in his pubs
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My life is pants optional.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
