Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You need a sexual gate keeper
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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