his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Holy sore nipples Batman
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
