who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
