I just pynch a tree in the face
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
