whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
