I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
