i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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