You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
