My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
