i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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