I just cut my nipple shaving
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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