just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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