Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
