I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
