I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
