And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
