I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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