mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
