I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
