The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
