first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
