You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
