you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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