We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
