I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
